Monday, June 17, 2013

I Need Space

I know many Aspies are "solitary people". We like our space. Some Aspies can be and are social creatures too, but for me, I am the kind of person who sincerely needs my space. And I've come to realize that I need more space than probably most people, autistic or not. 

To me, this makes me a really low maintenance friend. I don't NEED to see my friends every weekend or anything. I don't NEED to talk to them on the phone or over the internet every minute. I don't get to feeling lonely very easily or often.

This is how I am under normal circumstances, normal days, normal life. When things are different, whether its a stress, an exciting time, a crisis, or whatever, I find that I need MORE space than I do normally. I don't really require or need a lot of people to feel sorry for me, support me by visiting or being around me to help, or whatever. I like "silent support" - people who say they are there, or silently cook me a meal or something (actually no one has ever just cooked a meal and dropped it off before - so that would be something I would LOVE). I don't need people coming to socialize with me.

Very rarely will I reach out for support or help because I prefer to do my own thinking, research or just being alone to figure things out. When I do reach out, I usually make a specific point of reaching out to someone specific, someone I feel would perfectly satisfy my question.

CURRENTLY: I am "almost due". My due date isn't actually for another week. I'm in NO hurry to have this baby. Don't get me wrong, I'd love to see her and hold her and start things off, but I am perfectly content and happy for her to be on the inside. All her needs are provided for, life can still sorta maintain its normalcy, I know I am going to be more tired and overwhelmed once she's here, so I am perfectly content to wait until the moment that my body and baby decide that it's time.

I do not understand others who aren't more patient about this. I'm not just talking about other women who are or have been pregnant, and not even the doctors who are in such a rush to get the baby out once the 38 week mark starts clicking by. I wouldn't even be in a rush at 41 weeks or 42. I'd like the freedom to wait. (Though for simplicity's sake, I hope I do not go that long because the pressure to induce gets so high and I'd rather not deal with that fight).

I'm talking about friends and family. You. Yes, you.

What I want friends and family to know is this: I need space. I need calm, peace, comfort, relaxation. I'm not a great social person to begin with, but I'm here at the end, hormonal, tired and just trying to mentally cross things off some magical "nesting" checklist. I'm trying to picture things out in my head as best I can, I'm trying to deal with the unavoidable hospital interventions that I can't change, and the few fears I have about those interventions.

What I don't need is people interrogating me every single day as to whether or not its time, or what's new, or whatever. I'd like my birth to be quiet, without the pressure of having people waiting for me, or pressuring me to "tell them right away" and stuff. I will tell people when I tell people. Trust me, it's not like I'm going to keep it from everybody. But again, I need my space people. I need peace and quiet, not the sound of my phone ringing (I have the ringer turned off in advance of any inquiring phone calls. Bug my husband instead! LOL) This might stem from not being comfortable with change to begin with. I welcome many kinds of change, but one of my ways to deal with change is to take my space.

It will happen when it happens. God knows her birthday and when it is her birthday, she'll come. Not a minute before and not a minute later. After she's born, people will know. I'm going to take that time, to myself, and my husband and son. Our son wants to cut the cord, so this is going to be unforgettable for all of us. The precious 6 year old that has been an "only" for all these years is the one who wants to cut the cord from the baby to me. I am going to have my hands full, and I'm going to take my time, space and peace and keep it to myself until I am ready, until we are all ready, to share our family with the world.

But until that time, I just need my space. I need my peace. If you want to do some "silent supporting" - drop off a meal, come clean some dishes or something, you're welcome to do that, just don't expect me to socialize. Other forms of "silent support" are appreciated as well, but don't expect it to be a "I get to hold a baby" visit. I hold my own babies. ;) I am reluctant to hand them over, and that should be ok with everybody. I would never pressure another mom to hand me her baby, and since I have been a mom, I haven't. I've told moms what I want to be told; "don't feel obligated to let me hold baby, she/he is yours".

Anyway, I'm going to stop blabbing. Don't know when I will post again. Probably after baby is born. So until then, PEACE YA'ALL! 

No comments:

Post a Comment