Holes In My Memory

I am the kind of person who remembers everything. I wouldn't say I have a very good short term memory at the moment, because keeping three kids alive is taking up much space these days. But typically I can remember really random events that come up sometimes and I can recall things you may not have remembered saying or doing. And I'm not going to make things up, I really remember things clearly, and I'm not going to lie and say otherwise.

But more and more I've discovered that there are giant holes in my memory. There are entire events that I don't even remember at all. And strangely enough, many of those memories that I'm realizing I don't have stored in the database are memories of Girl Scout events. 

I have been wondering for a long time now why so many of these events aren't in my memory anymore. I mean, there are pictures of them, so clearly they happened. But why don't I remember them?

I remember one big sleepover at Camp Austen. I remember one day camp we did where I was in charge of the little kids and all of a sudden my grandpa showed up saying he was told to come get me, and another girl was all of a sudden in charge of the little ones. I remember several mall sleepovers, maybe mostly because they were right on or around my birthday; in fact my 16th birthday was celebrated in a mall overnight with like 300 other girls, by FAR the biggest birthday party I ever had (don't crush my story, I need this one - without the mall sleepover I wouldn't have even had a party). 

But there are giant things we supposedly did that I have no clue. My mom and I were kinda mentioning one the other day that was apparently in the boundary waters somewhere - not far out because it wasn't a "trip canoeing" or something, but some kind of other stay somewhere maybe by ely, from what I'm gathering. While I remember making lavender "sachets" (which I literally still had and still smelled the same/just fine up until a year or two ago), I don't remember much else. We supposedly did facials, which I don't quite remember. I remember a room all painted in white, but I don't remember what we did in there or where it was or how to get there or anything else. I don't remember what we ate (I probably didn't like it) or what else we did. I don't remember if it was an overnight stay or just a day. I really have no clue. I guess based on the pictures I might have thought it was a part of Camp Austen. 

I also remember one other event at the bog walk, but only because there was a cute boy involved.

I don't remember so many things. I feel like there was more, a lot more. I know we did more than one day camp, but I couldn't tell you where or what. I know we had meetings, and I would guess at least once a month, and you would think that I could remember something I had to have done like 60 months at least...

Girl Scouts isn't the only thing I have huge memory holes about, senior year there are a lot of things I completely don't remember. From what I'm told, 2001 was the last huge year of mass army worm invasion. You would think I would be able to remember massive amounts of army worms on every surface of everything everywhere, and slimy roads and stinky worms. You would think that would be something a girl couldn't forget. But I did. I don't remember them at all. I give myself the excuse that the emotions of graduating and leaving were pretty intense and my brain was preoccupied with all that too much to think about and register worms and leafless trees. You would think that driving to Togo, instead of to a friend's grad party, would have made the army worm invasion pretty obvious, right? Musta been listening to some pretty awesome music to be distracted enough to miss that, right? 

 I know there are times in life, too, when I don't really care about something so I will literally not pay attention to it. Like the above story, I probably did "know" where my friend lived, I'm sure he had told me, or something, but I didn't plan on ever having to go there, especially not on my own, so I didn't "care" or something and I didn't pay attention all those years and just missed that information totally. 

I also can remember three houses where my uncle used to live, but I can't remember houses where another aunt had lived. 

So, yeah, I don't know why there are some really intense memory lapses, almost like a chapter was ripped out of the book of my life. Like, where is my baby blanket? You would think I would be able to remember something as important to me as that, right? But somewhere in all the business of getting married, it's gone. Despite having my doll, no problem, right where I thought they both were.

Nothing drives me crazier than losing something. Nothing drives me crazier than forgetting something either, which is kinda the same thing. 

Any other aspies have the same problems? 

Overwhelm and Eyesight

Mr B has been complaining of eyesight problems occassionally. I think in the past, I haven't taken him seriously because it came at a time where I asked him to do something and he said he "couldn't" because _____, which to any parent sounds like a convenient excuse.

But today it came when we were doing something together. Something that he offered to do, and wanted to do. He had spent several minutes talking to me on and on about something, and I was thinking how great it was that we were talking and not fighting, and not ignoring each other, and how much he was enjoying himself doing something rather mundane with me, and keeping me a captive audience while we did it. How we should do that thing more often just for the chat. 

Then he got more quiet and said his eyes were blurry. Blurry? Are you serious? Yes, he was. And I took him more serious because it came out of nowhere, he didn't want to stop doing what we were doing, and his behavior had changed.

I didn't know what to say or do. The only thing I could think of was that we had gone to town this morning, it was rather busy there, and maybe, just maybe, his brain had gone into overload mode or something. I told him maybe he needed to go to his room for a while.

He had made complaints about blurriness before, and we've been to the eye doctor, and nothing is wrong. They said he was slightly whatever-sighted (I can never remember which is which), but that the glasses they have OTC in the store would be fine for when he is reading if it helps.

But randomly going blurry? 

For some reason, when Mr B is sick, or out of sorts, I feel out of sorts too. I'm not sure that has happened much with Ms B yet. But it is intensely upsetting when Mr B is not doing well. It is almost like something about him being so much like me in so many ways bonds my brain in such a way that it makes me sick when he is sick, or it makes me scared when he is scared. I thought that with more kids and getting more relaxed that it would go away, but it doesn't. Even the slightest thing, like my assumption of him being overwhelmed, causes me to feel the same, in a fake but intense way. I don't know how to describe it. It is very frustrating because then I am acting out of my uneasy feelings toward his. I am definitely better at this than I used to be, but it still upsets me to feel icky, especially when he is. I just feel so uneasy.

I don't know the solution to this. I don't really know what is up. I hope it's nothing, that it's just the overwhelm or something and we can continue to remind him to remove himself and just close doors and shades and give himself a break. It isn't always going to be convenient to do so, but I'm hoping that takes care of it. He seemed to be find the rest of the night, spent most of it watching movies I guess while hubby and I went to dinner (his gpa watched them here at home).

Anyway. Anyone have any experience with this kind of reaction? I don't remember being a kid and having this happen? 

Give Us Time

There is something that just came to me as I was sitting around here thinking about things. 

I've started to realize that for myself, I need a minute or two to adjust to some things. I'm a planner by nature, and I tend to plan things, even just in my own head, about how the day might go, or what we might do today, tomorrow, etc. I don't always share these thoughts or plans, but it might just be an unconscious thing that happens in order to help me feel less anxious. 

Then, typically my husband come in and tells me something he's doing, or something that we were invited to do, and it shakes me. I usually am VERY resistant at first, frustrated, trying to keep it together sometimes, other times I kinda lose it and get cranky and/or silent.

However, after a short period of time, I'm okay with it. I just needed some time to repaint the picture I had in my head.

I've thought about this often with other people who I know who I am assuming are undiagnosed autistics. I can sense their resistance when something unexpected happens to them, or is asked of them. I can sense their hesitation to agree, or say yes to, whatever just happened. I have to give them time. Usually, if I am lucky enough to ask them ahead of time, then I can not expect an answer right away, and I can ask them the next day or something for confirmation. 

So, to make this short, pay attention to the people in your life. As I've said before, I fully believe that there are many many people in the world who are undiagnosed and will not ever be diagnosed. Pay attention to what people need, and think about it, and adjust accordingly. That difficult family member or coworker in your life might just be autistic, and if you adjust your thinking, you might be able to find a way to make a positive out of the sometimes difficult.

Facebook Obsession

So, did you know I have a Facebook page?
Always Aspiegirl
Go ahead and hop over there and give it a like! I post links there to a lot of things I find interesting, usually autism related of course. THANKS!

Facebook is a big thing these days, of course. I mean, its PAST "a big thing" I suppose, and we are emerging on the other side of "Oops, I'm actually addicted to this Facebook thing and need to seek professional help". 

I've often considered what it is I have such a hard time removing myself from Facebook for. I mean, I'm not necessarily a social person. In fact, I actually don't even actively follow most of my 250ish friends anyway. There are some I follow every post and see them first, but for the most part, I hid people and visit their pages and "catch up" periodically or whenever I think of them or something.

Really, I'm not actually on Facebook for the friends, though it is a big part of it - keeping in touch with people and seeing what they are up to in their lives. But really, when it comes down to it, I'm on Facebook to LEARN.

I've spoken before on my high school "crush" - which ends up being an intellectual thing. So I'm going to expand on that and say that this is what I'm looking for on Facebook. Not as much people or friends, but for learning and all those Facebook pages and links and stuff on things I'm interested or obsessed with. That's the thing about the internet. When I was a kid, if I were interested in skating (which I was) I was limited to what books were available from the library, or watching it when it was on TV. Today? I could literally google almost any of the Olympic athletes I was interested in at the time and replay their routines, and then probably connect to all their other routines as well. I can find their websites, their personal twitter feeds, whatever I wanted.

With my current interests (being parenting, nursing, natural birth and the like) I can literally follow pages that are specifically connected to those topics, and I can follow their links and posts on those topics. They keep coming all the time, rarely doubling or posting the same links twice. And thanks to Facebooks "On This Day" app, I can see them a year later too. :P Refreshing my memory I suppose! 

So yeah, I am definitely obessed with Facebook, but not for the reason everyone else is. Just like my high school crush, it's not for the reason everyone thinks, it's for my own reasons. Learning, gathering info, reading about things that inspire me and that I'm passionate about! That's why I'm there. To learn. Is that why YOU'RE there too? What are other aspies experiencing?

WHOO! Homebirth Officially ROCKED!

WELL! :) 

Little Boy J was born Feb 8, 6:02 PM safely at home! :) 

I have had such an incredible experience, and recovery! I haven't had much for blues at all in fact! If I remember my first two correctly, the first day/night home was ALWAYS a nightmare! I was completely blindsided by going home! This time around, I've been home the whole time! It is SO NICE! Top that off with a great friend who lives nearby coming over and keeping track of things the first couple of days, and cooking meals and cleaning a bit, it's been so great to just be able to chill and know everything is taken care of for a while! 

Things aren't going perfectly, and that little Type A perfectionist is still back there in my brain but mostly, I think I've killed it. This baby has been so good to me!

Having the midwife take care of his ties right away was also a great big blessing. He had his milk in 2 days sooner than his sister (if not more)! It makes a HUGE difference. SUCH a important and huge difference for something that takes less than 5 minutes to do, and really solves a lot of problems. Again, the medical industry is really being stupid by ignoring, rejecting and refusing to treat ties. Makes me want to shake people! 

But anyway, I just thought I'd pop in! I have had some moments where I have a little self doubt, or anxiety, or stress, or overwhelm. But mostly, things are going well! Part of that is probably that both kids adore their little brother! Sometimes little B is a bit rough or moves too fast around him that it makes me nervous, but for the most part she's been a doll! Big B is a good watchdog, when I need to shower or walk away he makes sure his sister doesn't beat on him or something. Little B doesn't really appreciate him at nap or bed time because she wants mama! But she seems to be okay really and doesn't take it out on him at least! 

So things are going really well, and I would do a homebirth again and again and again. Wish I had done it sooner! :) But this time my experience has been so above and beyond that I am just grateful that this - likely being my last (yeah, I've said that before) - that everything is going so positively and beautifully and I am just blissing out still just over a week later! :)