The More You Know...

Jerry Seinfeld has been popping up in my feed lately because of his quote that he sees himself somewhere on the spectrum! I love this because it just goes more toward my thinking that 1: there are more of us out there than people realize, and that the cases aren't increasing, but the diagnosis is more popular now and 2: I've got this feeling that the majority of our creative, technical, scientific etc genius comes from people who's brain works differently than the average person and 3: you don't have to go through years of therapy or live under the diagnosis in order to be successful!

Whew! That was a bit of a list wasn't it?

I grew up undiagnosed. Sure, I wish I had at least an idea what was going on because maybe that would have lessened the pain of the torture of being bullied and being so different. At least it gives me perspective now. However, the diagnosis itself could be a bad thing because it just highlights your differences too. But the point here is that I am a functioning adult and I didn't have all kinds of IEPs, or extra therapies and stuff to get here. It is possible.

However, at the same time, parents need tools, and help with their children with spectrum issues! Society these days means that family doesn't always live nearby, and neither do trustworthy friends. Even when they do, both can be very busy people, or just unable or unwilling to help out dealing with an intense child! People are so overloaded these days, especially with finances, that it makes it hard to be available. Of course, to the parent of a spectrum child, this multiplies over those normal every day stresses. And if the parent is spectrum themselves, it's even more difficult.

It isn't just autism, but sensory processing too.

I guess that I do feel that the more you know about both any diagnosis and the child themselves, the more you can give yourself or your child a break because you know their behavior is normal FOR THEM. For example, if your child melts down every time you go to the store, or every time you are in a crowd, you have to realize that it is normal for them, and you stop pushing them to go along with your plans all the time. You realize that they have a limitation for crowds or loud stores, and you start making your plans accordingly. Whatever that looks like for you. 

Anyway, I haven't posted in so long and I had those thoughts bouncing around and they may not make any sense, but I had to get them out.

Practical And Insensitive?

A lot of what is thought about people with Autism Spectrum is that they are rather insensitive people who are unable to empathize.

I may have said something about empathy before, but I'm going to do it again. This idea that autistic people can't be empathetic is just wrong! Have any of these "experts" even asked an autistic person how they feel about something? (Which is another topic for another time...)

In my experience, I usually know when society expects me to be empathetic, but during those situations I have NO CLUE what I should do. I usually end up doing one of two things: First, I become rather practical. If something needs to be done, I will do it. If there is some kind of tidbit of information I can give you, I will find it and give it to you. I want to help you solve the problem or feel better. I usually feel a sense of urgency about it too, as if the problem can't just wait for time to pass, but I have to fix it for you right now. There is something we can do about this anxiety I am feeling over what you are feeling, and I know how to find it and here's something to do. This is the insensitive side.

Second, I become disabled, mute, and avoiding. I usually want to but I can't say anything, do anything or sometimes even be in your presence.

Neither of these responses are socially appropriate. But what I have come to realize, is that the fact that I am not comfortable dealing with the emotional aspects of a situation doesn't mean that I'm not useful! In fact, if it weren't for people like me, how would things get done? Of course I've already mentioned my ability to find and share resources or info to possibly help. However, I'm also good at details. Give me a job! Let me help arrange something, or plan something. That way, I feel useful, I feel as if I am doing something for you during a time where I feel rather anxious about not being sensitive or empathetic enough. 

So remember that the next time someone you know isn't acting sensitive or empathetic enough. There are likely thousands to millions of undiagnosed ASD's out there. Just give them a task, ask them to help you with something specific. It's worth a shot!

Arguementative

Are all aspies arguementative? Do we all argue with people? Or worse, do we argue with other aspies? Is there something about aspergers that leads to butting heads all the time?

I mean for this one to be a conversation, and I'd like anyone reading this to chime in. If you have found that aspies you know to be arguementative, and if you are an aspie if you find yourself to be arguementative, or something.

Change Is Not Asperger's Friend

Change. I think I've written about it before, haven't I?

So just recently my and my kid's favorite show (VeggieTales) recently showed up with an "updated" look to their characters.
I could go a long ways describing the reasons that I hate it, and why I think it sends the wrong message, but to be honest, I'm waiting for all the details to be revealed before I make a final decision about it. So far the thought is that it is only a change that will be used in a certain specific Netflix-only show, and from what I hear about said show, the look fits. Fine, I don't subscribe to Netflix streaming so I don't really care. 

However, it brought to my attention the huge number of parents with autistic kids who were crying out for them not to do this to the only show that has reached their kids. Each had their own story, but all had the same problem: their children rejected and were actually quite horrified at the new look, a range of reactions from "brainless" to "evil" and "horrifying.

In my own house, the reaction was no different. I, and my son, all had the same reaction. 

People say we shouldn't consider it such a big deal. People say that they don't really look that different.

Which brings another thought; if you think they don't look all that different, then obviously we have to realize that your ability to notice and internalize the fine details is not the same as mine. It isn't a secret that autistics have a highly sensitive nature, and we will notice details that no one else even cares to think about. Despite what the info out there says, we may not be able to read faces as much as other people, but that doesn't mean we are blind to the feelings that can come across from certain looks. I think that everything with autism is more complicated than it seems. On the one hand, the research says we can't read emotions and faces (which many of us can't) but personal experience says that even if I can't read someone's face, I can still feel things.

The new design makes me feel frightened. Instead of feeling loveable and attractive, they look stupid and mindless. They look hypnotic and evil. And it's nothing personal, it's not even like all the details are wrong. In fact, someone pointed out that they have eyebrows, something I never noticed they didn't have in the first place, and didn't notice the new designs have now. So its not all the details. Like so many of the others, its just the eyes. A simple little detail, but it is really important.

I can't really think about other ways to try to explain what I mean. But the point is that autistics DO indeed notice fine details, and we are upset by things that are off or out of place.

I don't know what the outcome of this will be. At times, it literally felt as if my world was falling apart. (There are other reasons of course, but this was like a cherry on top of the crappy weak sundae). I felt lightheaded at times, and I wondered why I was feeling so off, and then I remembered, oh yeah, it was "just that VeggieTales thing..."

Change is hard for autistics. I'm not sure on the specific details of why that is, I just know that it is. Rejecting our feelings by saying that it's "not that different" or that we should "just get over it" is very unfair. 

Remember, everyone reacts to things differently, and autistics usually react to things stronger than others. We can't help it or control it (hahaa it's one of those things that we cant control) and that's just the way it is. 

A Long Pause.....

Sorry I haven't posted in a long time.

It has been a long summer. And now it is fall. Like, today, officially.

Sometimes when in conversation, one may encounter a long pause.
This pause is usually uncomfortable. There is rarely a time when it is a comfortable pause, it usually leads me to think "what should I say?". It is very confusing.

I'm already bad at "small talk" anyway. I don't know what to say, or ask. I usually avoid asking a lot of things because I don't want to come across rude or nosy. There is this subconscious feeling that asking questions is rude or nosy, and I'm not sure where that comes from. Why can't I just ask a question without feeling this way? I mean, people ask ME questions and I don't feel they are rude or nosy. Why would I feel so strongly that they think that about me? I don't know. I guess I would rather people just tell me things instead of lead me through a long list of "I'm waiting for you to ask me a question to give you more information". My husband is even guilty of this one. Sometimes he will start telling me something, and leave a long pause, as if waiting for me to ask. Well, if you know I'm going to have to ask, why don't you just finish what you're telling me and not wait for me to ask? Why do I have to ask to get further information? 

Anyway, if you're reading this and you're a friend, just tell me things. Don't wait for me to ask. Because I'm likely wanting to ask, but don't want to feel rude. It's all so confusing. Any other aspies feel this way?