Sunday, July 5, 2015


I have daily anxiety. It is just a part of life for me. It is an "accessory" to my Aspergers. It's like the belt to your jeans. The top to your bottoms. Depression and anxiety just go hand in hand with who I am, and how my brain works. Perfectionism is stuffed in there too.

I don't like to let myself down, but I don't like to let others down either. And I have a tendency to think I can do things, even if it's too much for me. I somehow think I should be able to do it all or something. 

I haven't had an anxiety attack in perhaps years. It has definitely been since before I was diagnosed. I can't even remember exactly when the last one was, because I probably didn't recognize it as an anxiety attack. But I do remember the hyperventalating, and uncontrollable crying "reflex". 

Today things finally caught up to me and I finally broke down. I haven't been home in 5 days. Skipped right over my cleaning day, so the house hadn't gotten clean. Almost ran out of diapers with no exact plan to when I'm going to wash them (I did get them in this morning, and we didn't run out, whew). Didn't even make it to the grocery store on my normal shopping day, had to go after work today and in a hurry too since the hours of our local grocery store are frustratingly early on Sunday. After a long few hours at work, very tired, and upset stomach (thanks, baby), and a hip that has returned to popping out all the time, either thanks to pregnancy or work. And tomorrow (or tonight) I have to run to the CU so that I don't end up bouncing checks tomorrow in a bad way because I didn't have any idea when our new internet was going to go through. I guess I didn't realize we were, like, automatically signed up for auto pay, but apparently we are, and that was the same money I spent on groceries tonight too.

And I was going to work tomorrow.

I think I should be able to do all these things, but it is becoming clear that I can't. I hate letting people down, saying I would do things and now not being able to. OR even the guilt that I'm letting myself down, thinking I should be able to do it, handle it, but my system won't let me. I'm rather introverted by nature, but right now I would like nothing more than to crawl into a hole and sleep and not be bothered.

But I still have a family. And they have needs, like eating. It's already been a lot of work to find something I can stand to think of eating, and I have to cook something for them that isn't something I can handle so that I don't run out of things to eat... but kids still need to eat. And they need to be cleaned, and their messes need to be cleaned, and their dishes need to be cleaned and their clothes need to be cleaned, and the floor needs to be cleaned because even though it's just been swept, little B thinks her food goes there when she's done, instead of just saying "I'm done" - which I KNOW she is MORE than capable of saying. 

And they just need their mama too. 

And mama needs herself.

I have wondered what it feels like to people with autism or anxiety attacks to not be sure you're going to be able to keep breathing. I remember now. This was definitely an anxiety attack, and I felt like it was rather bad. Of course the tipping point was an inability of anyone else to make dinner without my instructions (they're on the box for crying out loud), and the fact that I never ask anyone for help, and the one time I need help or a break, it seems like it's too much to ask. NO WONDER I don't ask for help! How can you dare ask for help or put a "ball" down when you get treated as if it's just too much for someone else to step in for a while?

I need a wife.

This is definitely for counseling. I've been planning on it anyway, but now I'm going. 

It's not going to get better when I'm stuck under an infant, exhausted and overwhelmed and unable to manage going to the bathroom.....

I just can't trust that others will step in when I need help. I guess that's normal and common with ASD too. Doesn't make it any better, but it's true. 

I'm broken today. I'm breathing a bit easier but I'm still precariously at the edge of the crying and breakdown cliff. I wish that the kids were asleep so that I could just zone out and shut down a few more "mommy senses" to get more rest. 

I don't know how working parents do it. I really don't. I have never liked to work, but with kids its magnified to a whole new level. It makes me wonder why people spend so much money that they have to both work. I can't even imagine single parents, that's a whole new level of sadness. 

I just can't. 

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