Thursday, January 15, 2015


This article was one I couldn't pass up. I was asked once why I bothered getting diagnosed anyway. What difference would it make? It isn't like I need help - right? I'm not in school or anything, and I don't even work full time, I don't have any trouble with the work that I do (when I work). 

This link was exactly why. So many reasons, but knowing was part of the cure for me. One of my earlier posts was about that. (Read that here)

I had already been involved in a few groups or pages about women with autism spectrum. But I was having to say things like "I relate to everything you're saying, I think I have aspergers too, but I'm not diagnosed." 

Now tell me, what would YOU do? Wouldn't you want to get diagnosed? I mean, at that point, I thought I had it (pretty darn stinking sure actually), but no one had professionally told me "yes, thats it!", so I was left in the position of "well, you're no professional, so what if you're wrong?" 

It was DEVASTATING, every single time someone tried to downplay the struggles I was having, and had struggled with, every day of my life. People would downplay almost every single reason I thought I was an aspie. From the social stuff (you're just introverted - shy - everyone is a "little bit aspie") to the big stuff (but you make eye contact/have friends/have a husband/have kids). 

I don't know exactly what they were trying to do. Were they trying to convince me that I didn't because they thought I felt bad about it or was afraid of the diagnosis? I just don't understand why someone would try to talk someone OUT of something they know makes them who they are. 

I mean, no one does that to GLTB people! Quite the opposite, we encourage them and support them and wave their flag loud and strong, and we bring bricks down on anyone who dares to talk them out of it! Even when people have chosen to change and not be GLTB (yes, it IS possible - because "with God, all things are possible - Matthew 19:26. ALL THINGS. not "all things, except if you're gay.) But I digress...

So I finally came to the point where I had to find out, for sure. I'd taken all the online quizzes. I had read the entire The Complete Guide to Aspergers Syndrome. I knew as much as could be after that, right? But still, I had people trying to talk me out of it. I've even had people after my diagnosis trying to downplay it, as if I don't know anything about it, or as if it went away, or isn't as bad as it used to be. Sure, I'm not like most male aspies who seem more obvious than females. There is a difference between males and females and most of the information out there is on males, probably because its easier to study the ones that seem obvious!
But whether inner or outer, the symptoms lead to the same diagnosis. And I am happy about that! I am happy that the criteria for diagnosis is strong enough to see through the facade of what is seen and what is not seen. 

Anyway, Aspergers was the only thing that explained my entire life to me. All the weird things, all the frustrations, all the tears, all the obsessions, everything could be tied up in one neat Aspergers bow. And I like it that way. I'm okay with who I am. I'm a little less hard on myself, when I think about what I should do sometimes, and what I am actually capable of doing. I give myself a break when I'm under stress because I know that it isn't that I'm being lazy, but that I really need to give myself a break! I also know what happens if I don't, and why. Having an explanation is not an excuse to behave badly, as so many have also assumed about me, but it is a perfect and specific explanation for why I might do or feel certain things. That black and white thinking that you might hate about me? It is common and normal in almost all ASD. That I care more about the truth than peoples feelings that ticks you off? Again, common and normal for almost all ASD. It isn't an excuse, its the reason I do it, and normally, I don't even know I'm doing it. 

I have improved greatly where those things are concerned. Instead of engaging in every single contrary argument I encounter, I have learned that I can walk away. On Facebook, for example, I used to have my worst fights with people. They would accuse me of something that I never intended to imply, and I would spend days and days responding, trying to explain what I really meant, and that I didn't mean it the way they took it, until either I would feel so bullied I would delete the post and my own thoughts or the other person blocked/unfriended me.
Now, I know better. I know why I feel so black and white on issues, and I know that it is possible to walk away, and it is better for everyone. I know that it is possible to unfollow posts, and just not respond anymore. Without my diagnosis, I'm just the annoying, obsessive, mean, controlling, judgemental jerk everyone thinks I am. With it, I know that my brain just works differently, for a reason, and that there is nothing wrong with how I think. There is nothing wrong with dreaming of or comparing things to a perfect world. There is nothing wrong with seeing black and white in an area where everyone else sees gray. And I am a lot less hard on myself, I don't beat myself up over every argument anymore, and I don't have to condemn myself for not being "as nice as _____".

Anyway, I really appreciated Musings' thoughts and I'm really glad that she wrote this post. It is perfect. So if you're on the fence, thinking you might be ASD, I promise you that things are better on the OTHER side of the diagnosis! If you don't want to, fine, but (in true black and white fashion) I know that it would be better if you knew, with a diagnosis.

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