Friends Or Not?

I'm not a very social person. I don't like the awkward silence because I don't know what to say, and I don't like that I don't know what to say. And I don't know whether or not the person I'm talking to has the same awkward feeling. And whether or not this totally changes who they picture me to be, and whether or not they will ever want to be with me again because I'm so awkward. 

I'm not the kind of person that requires that I see my friends a lot. In fact, I can be rather antisocial to the point where I can live right down the road and not need to see my friends for ages. However, there are times when I would really appreciate a friend, and as my friends, I expect that you should know when that is. 

When I plan some sort of party, I'd like you to come. Whether its a birthday, just a BBQ, or some kind of "buying" party, I want you there, or I wouldn't have invited you. 

Don't give me the whole "I don't know what I'll be doing that day" stuff. That right there makes me feel as if you are a very insincere friend. A real friend would put me on the calendar, even bump other things for me. Not wait until they make sure nothing else important (in other words; MORE important) than being with me is going on. I tell you, that can really make a girl feel like crap having people say they will only hang out with you if they don't have something better to do, and then finding out that they didn't have anything better to do, but just didn't want to do whatever with you. 

I get it, life happens. I've had to miss things because stuff happens. I would move heaven and earth to do and be there. I once missed a FUNERAL of a dear friend because we came down with the flu. That was the worst feeling in the world, when I really needed to be there for her family, I was so sick. Otherwise, I've put in the time, driving the miles to go the distance for friends who ended up not doing the same for me - not even once. What's the balance between giving and not expecting anything in return, and being a gullible doormat for others to just use to gain and never have to return the pleasure.

This comes on me now and then, and it seems intense for a time, and then it fades. I'll bet that 10 months out of the year I could care less who I see, if anyone at all. But there are still times when it would be nice to have friends in my life, to be there for me or celebrate or whatever. It's sad that it rarely happens. It's sad that the only people who ever see us are our parents. Well, I guess at least we have someone we can count on. I guess perhaps I shouldn't take that for granted, perhaps, but theres still no replacement for friendship. 

Anyway, I know I'm not the only lonely person out here, and I know the internet isn't to blame (hahaha). In fact, without the internet, not only would I not ever hear from my friends (or them from me), but I wouldn't be getting in touch with new friends. I have friends in my church now! I have friends who are also Aspies! I have friends that at least I can write to and they know exactly what I'm talking about (you know who you are Aspie Writer!) And that is GREAT. 

But still, having a BBQ by yourself is kinda boring.