Wednesday, December 19, 2012


I haven't posted in a long time again. I don't think I have been able to think of something new to say. It's been "the season" - and I've been feeling sick and very tired.

I have a very low tolerance to stomach upset. This is frustrating because for someone with Aspergers, depression, and generalized anxiety, stomach upsets happen frequently, especially with the anxiety. I will tell you, during these times, its pretty difficult to do anything. I feel completely disabled.

I recently read an article talking about the gut and the brain, and how they are connected. I wish I had saved the link. But anyway, the point of it is that if your stomach and gut is imbalanced, your brain is going to be off, and to flip that is also true. If your head is out of whack, your stomach and gut is going to be affected.

 This is completely true for me. If my stomach is upset, then there is an unavoidable reaction in the brain - almost to the point of feeling disabling. I am unable to function normally when my stomach is upset.

This isn't because I'm a wimp, or whiner, or something like that. Believe me, I'm a pretty obsessed person, and I like to keep my house in order and clean, for example. However, the state of my kitchen sink can give you a clue as to whether or not I'm tolerating or barely scraping by. And lately it's looked more like barely scraping by than tolerating. Because I am barely scraping by. I'm rather lucky to have a new cereal bowl when I happen to start to get low. It's a good thing I have a dishwasher, though for a while there we had no detergent for said dishwasher, and I had to hand wash... I did them all in the morning while I was still feeling good...

I'm not making this up.

There is a total connection between your gut and your head!

And therefore, also, a connection between your head and your gut!
If I'm anxious about something (which is often), I tend to get so anxious about it that I can have feelings of illness.
This might be what's going on with me right now, but I have to wait another week and see if I feel any better.

Christmas is coming. And with Christmas comes the stress of people coming (and not being here as long as I would like), and going (much sooner than I'd like), and important conversations to be had with certain someones, and nerves involved and upsets involved with certain conversation. Add to that the increased amount of stress of having people staying in my house (just my brother and his girlfriend, but I'm still in a period of getting to know this girlfriend, so though I like her, I'm still a bit anxious because I don't KNOW her or something...)... cooking, making sure there's food, and then there's the whole money situation, and gifts (See This Post and This Post) and the fact that I was not able, for the first time, to get everything I wanted to get for everyone.... There is a whole lot of stress going on inside my head, and I'm starting to think (and hoping, actually) that what's going on in my head is what is causing all the stomach troubles. This means that maybe in a week, it will all be gone. That would be nice.

I don't know why I'm an anxious person. From what I remember, my therapist indicated it is a "gift" of Aspergers. It just goes hand in hand with it. I feel guilty for not following "be anxious for nothing...", but I often wonder how much of that is under my control. After all, I cannot decide to not be autistic. I can't decide to not be reserved. I can't convince myself to be less socially awkward. If I could do all that, do you think I would CHOOSE to be like this? I'd like to be more comfortable in social situations, not feel like I have to "hold someone's hand" just to get through it. This is just the way it is. So is that the way it is with my anxiety too? It is just what it is. That doesn't mean I'm immune to the stress and physical symptoms of anxiety. Knowing I tend on the anxious side doesn't stop the anxiety. Knowing God's got this is a fact; and I know it. That still has not stopped it. 

I am pretty grateful, most of the time I function pretty well. I'm not "worldly successful" or anything, but I can run the house and keep things from dying. I have a lot of talent and passion for things, and stuff like that. But there are a lot of periods of darkness, and maybe this is just one of those times.

I have often found it interesting that I tend to not worry about things that other people worry about. Luckily, my husband and I rarely stress out at the same time. Usually when I'm anxious about something, he isn't. When he is, I'm not. In that way, it works out pretty nicely, because at least one of us has a hold on ourselves all the time.

Anyway, I got off track. Basically, the holidays are driving me nuts, and I'm seriously considering taking a vacation next year. Going away somewhere. Somewhere warmer, perhaps with a bit of color. I look outside the past few days and with the heavy snow covering everything, and the trees in their dark winter coats, and the sky in a blanket of clouds, it could easily be said to be a black and white photograph. I need some color! That's why I painted my living room an odd bright blue for a while. Anyway. Here's your "black and white" pictures of the day....

No comments:

Post a Comment