Parenthood, Hank, and Adam & Kristina

Hank's storyline on Parenthood is really close to my heart because I have experienced the same situation as an adult finding out about yourself and that there is reason for you to be different and what that difference could be. At this point they do not seem to be going to concrete a diagnosis for Hank, which I find disappointing. I think making it more concrete would be a relief and a lot of fun to have a character diagnosed as an adult. This is something that is happening more often today than it has in the past, based not on increased prevalence, but increased knowledge. I think there are many more adults out there who are autistic, and even more celebrities that are autistic in real life that are just undiagnosed. I like to see them get diagnosed, and put a face to the reorder of the brain that is aspergers/autism.

There have been few scenes involving Adam and Kristina, the parents of Max who has aspergers. They have thought it has been great that Max has a place to go, and those brief interactions have been pretty nice to see. After Max's meltdown over a broken promise, Adam is thoughtful enough to hand Hank a book on aspergers in hopes that it will help Hank understand Max. What Hank ends up finding is himself, and the following scenes have been brief but pretty special.

In one scene Adam and Kristina talk about Hank possibly having aspergers being a window into what kind of life Max might have. Mindblowing as it may seem to people who don't have any experience with aspergers, but we can, and do, live successful lives with spouses, children and even jobs. We aren't the party hardy ones, but we are out there living normal, successful (at least in our eyes) lives, and we're pretty okay with what we've got. That was a pretty good scene because yes, it does happen and yes, we have positive futures!

In another series of scenes, Adam tries to include Hank in something, and I think it was rooted in the idea of getting to know more about Hank, and more about what kind of thoughts and life he has as an adult who might possibly be similar to his own son. Even strongly defending Hank to his brother Crosby, who calls him a freak and thinks its weird and wrong to include him. Believe me, this happens more than you would think, even in adult life, where when we're just a little weird, we're excluded and left on the outside because of that weirdness. It isn't fair, but it happens all the time, and honestly we'd rather be alone and not social than deal with that mess. When Hank seems to make it difficult, he's just defending his comfort in what they were doing, and the idea that he shouldn't have to change "for fun" - believe me change isn't fun, especially changing rules because rules aren't supposed to change! However, that being said, if someone had said to him in the beginning that there would be a rule change at some point during the night, he may have been more prepared.

In addition, Hank takes what happens and misunderstands most of it, thinking that it was all his fault, and Adam did a great job of just calming it down and saying no man, it's not you to blame for everything and that it was okay to feel that way. Adam was great through that whole scene. Obviously, taking aspergers into consideration for who you are talking to, you automatically understand the limitations or feelings of a person, and you respond accordingly, unlike everyone else who was responding treating Hank like a normal person, who would purposely try to ruin the fun. In Adam's mind, it was entirely different, and it made him look like a very kind person and an ally that Hank can trust. But, too, this is Adam's kid's "future", hypothetically, so he feels a great connection to defending Hank because he feels as if he knows more now about where Hank is coming from in the light of aspergers, just as he knows his own son and where he is coming from through the light of aspergers.

In life we make excuses for people when they are rude, or having a hard time. We understand when they are feeling badly because of job issues, or marriage issues, or exhaustion, or illness. We are sensitive to them when they are going through depression or loss. We are kind and helpful to them when they are going through a major illness or injury or when they are hurting from something. People don't often take those same considerations for others when there is no apparent cause for their behavior. 

We have to face the facts here: most adults with aspergers are undiagnosed, don't even realize they may be autistic and aren't looking for any diagnosis, and even some that are diagnosed aren't sharing that information with the entire world. When you encounter someone who is difficult, its highly likely that they are not just trying to be a jerk. However, in our frustration and anger, instead of trying to understand and help each other, we fly off the handle thinking we know the other person's intentions were negative and we have to respond in anger and such because we don't put up with that kind of treatment. When was the last time we ever stopped to consider that maybe the other person wasn't doing something on purpose, but had a legitimate reason or even misunderstanding for what they did or said? 

That person who told you that your haircut made your face look f at; maybe they weren't trying to tell you how ugly you were (which is how that would easily be interpreted - lets be honest, mostly by women) but they were trying to be honest with you? Aspies are notoriously honest, and if you're fishing for compliments sometimes you have to be up front with that instead of wanting an honest answer. Don't ask for honesty if you can't handle it. And that's just one example of what kinds of things aspies might do. 

I'm not saying all people who seem like jerks aren't really jerks, but honestly, I think we need to give people the benefit of the doubt sometimes, and think before we respond. We aren't responsible for what others do to us, but we are responsible for what we do to them. 

Anyway, it may seem crazy how I got to the end from where I began, but I really love how the character of Adam is playing this story and I hope to see much more of this.

Parenthood Does It Again!

So, have I mentioned that Parenthood is the best show on television right now, possibly ever?

Hank's discovery a couple weeks ago on Parenthood is really rocking my world this season. However, I saw this coming from the first time his character opened his mouth. It's been love from first sight. 

I had promised myself I wasn't getting into another show when I was told that one of the characters, Max, has aspergers. That fact alone sucked me in and here I am loving season 5 so much that it hurts.

They are wrapping a possible undiagnosed adult into Max's storyline. Hank's discovery (video link above) was totally awesome. I felt every word because I've said them to myself. I've felt the amazing "I can't sleep because I'm finally finding a place where I'm reading about myself" feeling. They just can't stop with this storyline either, as the weeks after that episode they have topped themselves with more of the same with this character. I can't get enough. The entire show could be about Hank and Max and I would be completely satisfied.

Last night's episode brought Hank even visiting Max's doctor, who gives him an answer of "Jump Ball". Meaning, it could go either way. I don't agree, I think aspergers is definitely Hank's ball. 

Parenthood's own website links to a blog post from the "experts". The posts involved have been disappointing. Although the writer is supposedly an expert in the field, they are using technique used to diagnose a child on an adult, and that just doesn't fly. I signed up for tumblr because I had to respond. 

You can't use the same mentality to diagnose an adult that you do a child. One of the major "holes" mentioned is that Hank doesn't seem to have the major social issues that Max has. I might not have an MD, but I could give you the reason for that one without even thinking about it. It's the same reason that I don't appear to have aspergers, socially, and I had many friends who told me that I am "too social" to be truly autistic. Adults are better at almost anything than kids are based on experience alone. To say that Hank doesn't have aspergers based on his social experiences is to say that a professional poker player never struggled with the game. To me, socializing is a game. In my 31 years of life, I've learned to play the game. I'm very aware of things like eye contact, or listening to see if there's emotional context. You can't do something for 30 years and not learn the rules and how to play. Though it is a spectrum and some of us do better than others based on various factors such as opportunity, family life, level of bullying vs friendships, for the most part, any autistic person of 30 years (or, as in Hank's case, 50) would have by now LONG since developed tools and abilities to become social enough to get by. Sure, we might not be breaking down doors at political events and hosting huge parties, but we can make it through day to day life without being a total hermit. 

The criteria used to say that Hank doesn't have aspergers only goes to show the level of inexperience that the author has with real adult autistics. I'm betting good money on the fact that they don't diagnose adults often, if ever, and they also probably believe that autism is "on the rise" and a "new condition" stemming from this or that - pick your conspiracy. 

However, I disagree on both counts, because there are many people who fully believe that there were autistic people many years ago, and although we won't meet those people and test them based on our criteria, I don't find aspergers that difficult of a thing to find. I see people all the time who could fully qualify from my outside perspecive, (which makes me wonder what the inside perspective is)!

 There are so many brilliant minds that lived before us, and got us to where we are now, and our lives wouldn't be the same without their help and inspiration and focus and determination. In order to succeed, you have to fail a million times. NT people would likely give up after a while, but autistics have the drive and, to put it plainly, obsession to keep trying despite the floor being covered with mistakes. More extroverted or social people would take longer to succeed because they would get bored and lonely after a while, and leave their work behind for more "exciting" interaction. Autistic people have just the skills (or, lack of skills?) to focus tirelessly on their work. Descriptions of them were that they were a little weird anyway, but we hail them as genius because of what their gifts gave us, gifts that likely came from the fact that they were a little weird, a little far off the deep end, a little autistic. 

I realize I'm using "assumed" positions to reason my thoughts here, but honestly, as I've said before, even the lady who did my testing didn't believe that I had aspergers. No one I knew believed me (excepting my mother, who had a very similar discovery to Hank, only about me and not herself). And they were all wrong. 

Far be it from me to even suggest that a "professional" might be wrong, but from what we know of Hank already, and the way that he is portrayed and written so far, he has more than enough qualifications to be autistic. I feel that it's a bit insulting for there to be any connection to any "professional" who makes such claims that suggest that an adult autistic would be much more socially inept, and would have a harder time. Again, if you learn to play poker, you are going to be pretty good at it after a year, and even more so after 50 years. Give Hank some credit as a character. He's not doing well because he's not truly autistic, he's doing well because any of us can learn to play the social game after decades of playing it. Don't dumb us down and call us uneducated just because your "professional" opinion thinks we should be social retards our whole lives. We aren't unable to learn. We aren't brain dead. Don't sit there and tell us how we should act or be as adult aspies. And don't you dare think for one minute you know more about adult aspies than US. WE are adult aspies, and WE know what we are like. You, sir, do not, and you make that quite clear.

My next post (which I will probably write right after this) will be about Adam and Kristina's characters and their little scenes relating to this Hank story.

Why I Can't Stand Interruption

I won't go into much detail today, but I will tell you this funny (well, eventually it will be funny) story that happened to me.

Once upon a time I didn't do my shower and morning routine in order, and I went all day without deoderant.

A newborn baby is interrupting. And I had to do my Christmas photo cards in spurts. When I get interrupted, I forget where I was, what I was doing, and I practically have to start from scratch.

Well, I was on a deadline. I had limited time to get the cards done, when I both had the money and the photos to do them. And I was interrupted about a dozen times, and had computer troubles (this thing is running SO SLOW sometimes!!).

I got them today, just in time for family for Christmas anyway. They will be late for everybody else, which makes me feel bad enough.

But they also came with "The Thomas Family" written on them! I didn't even think to look for a signature on the photo! I didn't even think there would be anything written on it where that was concerned. The thought NEVER crossed my mind AT ALL.

100 Christmas photo cards. 100 cards with someone elses' name on them. I wish these companies would just leave it blank. But, like I said, I was interrupted a bazillion times, frustrated with my computer, and the way that the whole thing worked out this year anyway, and I got "out of order" and missed a critical detail on the card. I am SO disappointed. 

So there. Merry Christmas.

Aspergers and Holidays

Holidays are busy, hectic, pleasant, and practically the only chance I get to see my family. It didn't used to be this way until several years ago when my parents moved away for work. It was great because my brother got the chance to go to a Christian school, which was important to all of us, and was really good for him too.

I don't remember clearly about every detail about Christmas. I know that one of the best gifts I got every year was the ones that people got me that I had specifically asked for. I had one uncle and my grandma who lived next door who would usually do that. I don't remember being the kind of kid who shook presents or snuck them open or anything. I wanted to wait until Christmas. I also remember the feeling of let-down when it was all over. I thought it was because I was sad that it was over, and I guess that is part of it. The other part, that I now understand as an adult, is that the anticipation builds and builds and I get overwhelmed with the anticipation and the activities and the people and business and then when its over, its like a drop of excitement, and its all over. One year just a few years ago, I woke up Christmas morning just sick - my head was spinning and heavy, and I just felt sick. a few more hours rest did the trick but I am careful to try to remember to relax and take it easy after that.

This year I'm discovering that my son has issues with Christmas and presents and anticipation. He seems as if he cannot control his anxiety. At first he was sad because we told him that his presents weren't here yet. He was sad that they weren't under the tree, and he hoped they would get here in time. So I thought that it was worse for him to have no presents under the tree, so I put them there (against my better judgement). The next morning, he got up and cracked open every present that had his name on it under the tree. I was furious and sad! I missed out on his reaction and what he thought of his gifts! It turns out he didn't realize what some of them were, but he completely opened one of them that I was really excited about because I had one when I was a kid too. 

Well, luckily, some of his presents weren't here yet either, so we do have quite a few that he doesn't know about.
He got a package from someone recently that had presents for him in it. I right away put them on an upper shelf in my closet. As I came back from the closet, he had the stepstool, and I told him that he'd better not. I thought that was it. Nope. He went down there, got them down and under his bed he opened them. I didn't find out about it until midnight when I was in the closet trying to do laundry, and saw the stepstool. 

So, I'm going to have to up my game! But it brings to my attention the anxiety and anticipation over Christmas and presents causes him so much discomfort that he is for some reason unable to keep it a secret. See, surprises are an issue for people with autism. I remember being disappointed about presents, but I don't remember if I ever got in trouble over that or not. I would say I was probably polite but because I was told to. We do tell our son to always be polite when receiving gifts, even if he doesn't like them. But it's the fact that he can't leave them alone and let them be a surprise. He is very uneasy about anything being a surprise. I can't surprise him with a trip to town or anything either. He gets rather agitated and I have to give him time to adjust to what is seen as a change in his plans for the day. However, even when I try to give him advance notice he still freaks out, even if it's days in advance. He used to get so sick he would throw up when we traveled to my parents'. We could never figure out why. And I got hives one time as well. He gets hives too! We're a mess.

I wish I could just rid us of these things, these negative, illness related symptoms. They are not fun. But there are so many other parts of us. My son is extremely sensitive and caring. He watches commercials about saving starving children and dogs and hands me his money. He cries when his sister is upset. He cries when he's happy, he cries when he's sad. He is very sensitive to criticism or anger. He has changed me for the better because of it, and I'm glad I was able to listen to those cues and find places to support me to change and encourage and help me along the way. I'm far from changed, but I am at least aware. The worst part has been not changing the yelling or being overly angry, but the criticism, nagging, shaming and guilting. Those are "more innocent" things. 

I'm getting of track here. Is that an autistic trait? It may be, because I have seen other aspies write in little bunny hopping circles too.

Anyway, what I'm trying to say is that the holidays can be difficult for people who are autistic. You have to give us some help! It's nice to want to surprise us with something you think we'd like, but you should always ask us what we would like first. I have been given gifts that I kept out of guilt but never used. There's nothing I dislike more than useless things around my house (I'm a purger). I feel bad because it's lying around my house unused, but also because someone spent money on me in a way that I can't use it. Apparently I have to change my tactics with gift buying, or something. I can't stand this part, trying to figure out what would best suit my son's needs so that he isn't sick on Christmas from anticipation. So that I'm not worried about him being sick from anticipation. So I don't have to see him so "out of control" the whole season. When he's out of control, it sets me out of control and I feel unstable too. I think it's because I'm already overwhelmed, and him being overwhelmed overwhelms me too. So it's like being doubly overwhelmed. See? 

Blog Referral: So Many People Are Touched By Autism - Aspie Writer

Another blog referral: this time to Aspie Writer! I have been following her for a while now, and I love hearing her stories and thoughts because so many of them are much like my own. She too grew up undiagnosed, and was diagnosed as an adult. 

This particular post is also related to the previous from My Aspie Wife. There are so many misconceptions about autism. We aren't mentally handicapped, in fact, we have gifts that many others do not and can not have. Some of the most famous inventors and artists and so on are thought to have been autistic, and if someone had told them what people with autism are told today, would we have electricity? light bulbs? famous works of art? I don't know. 

Here's her post. check out her entire blog, because she is a fantastic writer!

http://aspiewriter.com/2013/11/so-many-people-are-touched-by-autism.html