Thursday, June 25, 2015

Planning, Children, Unexpected

Really looking for other autistic's input for this one!

So, my whole life I knew exactly what I wanted. And I wanted it perfectly and in perfect order: First I wanted a boy, then a yonuger girl.

Having my first, a boy, was a dream come true. But adjusting to being a mom, though a true joy and dream come true, was difficult. He was intense, tongue tied (I only found that out a couple of years ago), and very fussy (due to the tongue tie, he couldn't nurse without getting tons of air, so he was always full of air. And he nursed A LOT.). Pair that with the autism and he was a fairly high maintenance kid! We weren't sure we would have another, and we knew we had no desire to have another one soon, so we waited.

Eventually, the baby fever returned, thanks to a cousin at a family reunion (and the desire to have my perfect picture with the little girl!). So we started trying and after much difficult months and work we finally had my completed dream come true: a little girl.

So we were done! I had exactly what I had always dreamed of, one of each, boy first. It was as if God literally knew how happy it would make me to have exactly my dream, and He sure blessed me fully and perfectly with that. We were content, and we were done. Autism does not get easier as the kid grows up, but the challenges move from one kind to another. So we were done.

Except that we aren't.
All the cliche things. God has different plans. Wonder baby. We had been saying we were done, and if God had different plans He would have to pull the strings. Even joking about having another one to stop the insane hives I have been having on and off (but mostly on) for the past year+. 

So we are having another one. And I am anxious. Not in a "can't wait to meet the baby" way, but in a "can't wait until the baby is like 6+ months old and things calm down and settle in" way. I don't really particularly love those first months. I love infants, I do. I love their smell, I love their need to cuddle, their inability to move around a lot so they are "safe", babywearing. But I don't like the adjustment period. I don't like that feeling of exhaustion, and the hormonal fluxuations, and the life altering entrance of another person into your home.

We only have 4 chairs, and they fit perfectly around our circular table. 4 people can easily fit into a small sized car (which we someday planned on getting back into again, but, its a van from now on until forever HAHA). We had even numbers. 

All these things are totally unimportant. Seeing that little blob today revealed perhaps a part of this little one's nature: he/she was nestled so closely to the edge that it hardly seemed possible that it was a separate creature. It was interesting to see so snuggled closely to my body. I don't remember the other two looking like that when we first saw them. 

I know that this child will fit into our family and we will wonder how we ever managed without them in it. But for now, I'm left kinda panicky at times, because we had no planned on this. We didn't keep ANYTHING. My sister isn't ready to part with hers yet, so I get to borrow, but I was just looking forward to some freedom. Little B girl has slowed down with nursing and actually can make it most of the night sleeping through. I was just able to leave her and start working a little. I was looking forward to not having to wear a nursing tank anymore :P I've lived in those things for the better part of 2 1/2 years and I was looking forward to a bra again. (Nursing bras are, strangely, ACUTELY uncomfortable, especially when they are made for a time when womens' breasts are likely more sensitive than normal.)

But here we go again. It always works out, so the details I'm not really concerned with. It's just that period of adjustment. Living so rural, with very few friends to support me (and especially having people not understand that what I really want is for them to actually do something that I feel is helpful, like meals and dishes, not watch the baby!) it can be lonely. I'm glad that you see the doctor so often in the beginning because I fully trust her to take care of me and keep an eye on me, and using my past history, I think I know how to at least keep my health up while recovering. And I'm going to INSIST on a tongue tie being cut RIGHT AWAY so that we can hopefully curb jaundice risks and increase breastfeeding success and comfort. That will make things SO much easier.

But I still worry about my overly strong obsession with keeping all my balls in the air. 

I think that the purpose of this baby may just be to help me decide which balls are important, and which balls are not important. I was still of the mindset of "why did my mom always have a mess in the kitchen", but maybe I need to allow us to have a mess in the kitchen. Maybe the surfaces have to be sticky, and my sensory aversion to sticky needs some reduction (kinda like my sensory reduction to bug bites must have been reduced due to the year+ hives...). Maybe I need to let go more. 

No, not maybe, I DO NEED to let go more.

I tend to hold myself to a high standard of perfectionism, and it just makes me feel good to have a clean house, a clean kitchen, and the relief that everything is in its place. I love organization and I'm constantly trying to better my organization all over the house too, so having to have more things again for a baby in the house (in the "way), is really overwhelming. I rejoice when the baby furniture leaves the house! But now I'm considering a stand alone high chair, because of the "only 4 chairs" thing. Yet one more furniture.

I like to plan ahead for things, and my mind is like a rat on a spinning wheel, just trying to plan for where, how, what, its all going to look and feel like. I know I'm going to love it and I'm going to laugh because God knows what He is doing, and that makes me happy. 

But that doesn't erase my aspie obsessions and aspie control and aspie overwhelm.

So, Aspie moms and dads: what was YOUR dream for when you were going to have kids? Did you have any preferences? Did you know when you had to stop? Did you feel like you couldn't handle more, and then got a surprise? I would love to hear your stories, especially if the beginning is like mine, and the ending helps me see a light at the end of the tunnel, at least from your experience and perspective. 

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