Monday, March 16, 2015

Pulled Close, Yet Pushed Away

I suppose this could mean different things to different people. But, have you ever felt pulled close to someone, yet pushed away at the same time? 

Like, they open up to you and are showing you a part of themselves that you normally wouldn't see, yet at the same time they are holding you at arms length really, because you know they aren't telling you the whole story?

Man, have I ever felt that way. I may have mentioned before that when I feel friends with someone, I am ALL IN. I come to expect that from other people too, and usually I end up feeling terribly confused. I don't know if I should expect to be a friend, or not. I don't know if I should expect honesty and frankness, or not. Above all, I guess, I don't know whether or not I can trust them with my own honesty or not. I don't know which side of the line we are on. ALL IN means that either you're friends or you're not. I've spoken at length about this idea that some people apparently are only little bit friends with someone, and besties with few. Or whatever.

It is all just confusing to me, and I wanted to throw this thought out to the great void here and say that I can't stand it, and I can't figure out what to make of it, and I don't know where to go from here. I don't know what to do, how to approach people who do this, or how to include them in my life, or to determine how or if I'm included in theirs. 

Life is a mess sometimes. Sometimes it's a disaster. My heart goes out to them but at the same time I can't believe the mess that I only see the tip of. Or, rather, I see from my perspective the whole darned iceberg, but don't understand why someone won't describe to be the color, or something.

This shouldn't make any sense, really. I just need to get that off my chest.


  1. Yes! Soooo yes. And I think social media makes this worse, with people pretending to have perfect lives, but then in reality, they are hot messes too, which makes me so distrustful.

    I think part of the problem (with me, at least) is that I want to know people better than they know themselves. Not too many people just think anymore, or spend time discovering who they really are. So I'm in a friendship, baring my soul, and my intensity gives them a "deer in the headlights" look. I've had a rare few love me back with the same intensity, but it's rare! I think a downside to technology is that people are never alone with their thoughts. There's always something to watch to distract people from themselves, and I think people like me, who genuinely love being alone in absolute silence, don't have the ability to have constant shallow, empty conversations.

    1. i agree! i DO want to know people better than they know themselves! thats so right! and yes, deer in headlights! and they go running the other direction! only a couple times have i had them not go running. both are hugely Godly women!

      you're right, we are a distracted world now. even i am constantly distracted, with my husband, with my kids, with myself. yeah. i dont take walks and sing and write like i used to!